Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I need my Mom...

I had my final consultation with the plastic surgeon this morning and it went very well. She explained the procedure, my scarring, expanders, fills, size, etc. etc. etc. So much to digest!!! But I'm glad things are moving ahead. However, on my drive home from London, I was alone and had a lot of time to think....I went over and over all the little details trying to get everything planned out in my head; work, home, care for my fur-kids, care at home afterwards, you know, that kind of stuff. I'm just trying to get mentally and emotionally ready for this huge event...and then I got really sad...

It just hit me how much I need my mom for this. I need her to talk to, to squeeze my hand and reassure me; to be here and stay with me after the surgery, to tell me I still look like her little girl when I feel like I have water wings in my chest. Moms are supposed to be there to help us get through these big life changing things, right? But, my mom is the one person who isn't here because of this nasty BRCA2 gene! This damn BRCA thing that has me at this place, is the same thing that took her from me. When I think of my upcoming surgery, its not having my mom here that gets me crying...not the surgery itself or the loss of my natural breasts (although I'm sure that will come as the day approaches).

I lost my mom 2 and a half years ago to ovarian cancer. It was the most devastating thing in my life. I know that she is around me, watching over me and would be proud that I am doing these preventitive surgeries.

I know I will get through this just fine (and am mostly excited to have it done - well, sort of) and that there will be all kinds people who will support me when I need it...and I am not going to feel sorry for myself, but this one thing does not feel right and I wish I could change just this one detail. You know?

You'll have to excuse me; I'm pretty emotional from the surgical menopause, and I'm trying to quit smoking...today's not a good day!

1 comment:

Karen said...

Hi Shari, we are 100% behind you with the PBM ~ I'm sure as you say your Mom is watching over you.

If we can help at all please call, email etc.

Loads of Love
Karen xxx